Sunday, 1 July 2007

10 reasons why having a bbq on the world's smallest balcony(tm) at 9pm on a Saturday night is NOT a good idea

1) The balcony is so small that even a tiny disposable bbq will take up a lot of space and the two mini deckchairs and pot of mint that already take up all the space on the balcony will have to be moved inside the very tiny flat so they don't catch fire. This will result in:

i) no entry to the bedroom (doorway now filled with deckchairs)
ii) mud all over the kitchen floor (the mint pot apparently has a hole in the bottom)

2) Setting light to the disposable bbq will result in leaping flames that suddenly appear very close to a) naked toes and b) highly flammable glossed balcony door

3) Brighton is a windy place. A street at the top of a hill is an even windier place. A balcony above said street is possibly the most windy place in the world. As a result, whenever it looks like the flames have disappeared and the coals are gently smouldering a gust of wind will suddenly ignite them again resulting in a) a sudden jump back into the kitchen to protect naked toes b) fear for the hanging basket directly above disposable bbq

4) After hours and hours of waiting for bbq flames to die down chicken and halumi & veg kebabs are finally placed on bbq. They sizzle nicely. Unfortunately chicken skin fat/dressing and olive oil sprayed onto kebabs drips down onto coals causing flames to leap up and blacken everything in sight.

5) In an attempt to remove foodstuff from flames everything is moved to one side of the bbq. Two things about halumi & veg kebabs i) they roll ii) when they roll off the bbq and onto the slightly muddy balcony floor they get covered in mud.

6) Flames and/or gusts of black bbq smoke cause the bbqer to become aware of neighbours down on the street below twitching their curtains. Is first floor flat on fire? Should they call the police? Bbqer, in an effort to prove that bbq is on fire and not flat, leans ever so casually against bbq door with a forced smile on her face that is supposed to say "I am having a lovely bbq. My flat is not on fire. Please do not call the fire brigade."

7) Five minutes later when the sound of squealing fire engines fills the air previously nervous bbqer reaches new heights of terror. Imagines burly firemen smashing down door to flat with hoses aloft and breathing apparatus fixed to faces to find stupid bbqer trying to dissipate smoke by waving arm whilst proffering burnt chicken wing with other hand.

8) When no firemen turn up bbqer starts to relax but there is a new problem. It is now so dark she can no longer tell if anything is cooked.

9) BBqer looks for torch. Realises only working torch in house is of the wind up variety. Discovers that winding up a torch, whilst prodding a piece of chicken with a fork and stopping halumi and veg kebabs from rolling off bbq is physical impossibility.

9) Carries plates of chicken from bbq into kitchen and turns on light. Prods chicken with fork, realises it is underdone. Returns to bbq. Repeats this process four or five times.

10) When dinner guest shows up bbqer grits teeth and says "I've made a lovely bbq for you." Dinner guest is very impressed. Bbqer shakes all the way through dinner and vows never to bbq on balcony again.

2 comments:

SallyQ said...

Ha! That's brilliant and horrifying all at once, Cally!

CTaylor said...

Sally - I won't be trying that again in a hurry! Not that it was me that bbq'd on the balcony it was just..ahem...someone equally as stupid ;o)